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Please respect our republishing guidelines – Click Here [Editor’s note: Any names or likeness to any real person mentioned in this satirical article are purely or mostly unintentional. No health care experts were harmed during the writing of this article – though feelings and egos may be subject to bruising if read by humorless leftists.]
The CDC, otherwise known as the Centers for Disinformation Control and Confusion, has just about had it with the inability of reporters, politicians, and ordinary Americans to understand and comply with the unambiguous guidelines it has laid out for dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic. “I have just about had it,” exclaimed the CDC director, Dr. Rochelle Walensky, before donning three masks and hurrying away to get a booster shot on July 31.
Perhaps even more dangerous than the Delta variant of everybody’s favorite virus is the pandemic of bewilderment sweeping the nation. Some jurisdictions reinstate mask mandates, and others are imposing vaccination or regular COVID testing requirements for everybody – or if not everybody, then for some. Sadly, few people know whether they live in one of these places or not.
To clarify the situation once and for all, the underworked and overpaid bureaucrats at the CDC have produced a new handbook with 184 simple rules that, it is hoped, will get everybody on the same page.
Some 350 million copies of the book, illustrated by Hunter Biden and with a foreword by LeBron James, will be distributed free of charge across the nation. The CDC is confident that this will help every American understand what they should and should not do to keep themselves and their communities safe.
The 184 rules cover every possible scenario, and in the interest of informing its readers, Liberty Nation highlights some of the essential points here.
Fully vaccinated people should remain at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those who are not vaccinated are required to stay inside on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Americans who have received only the first shot of the COVID-19 vaccine should quarantine at home on Sundays, although they can go outside on Wednesdays and Thursdays if they wear […]
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